Lifesavers Gummi Collisions: Next Time, Wear a Helmet

Lifesavers Gummies seemed like the greatest idea ever when I first saw them. Being a fan of the original Lifesavers, my primary complaint against them was that as these hard candies shrunk in the mouth, their edges sharpened. Thus, getting one’s tongue caught in their sugary hole became much more annoying the longer the candy was kept in the mouth, but at the same time, if the inner ring was ignored, it became the primary lump of sweetness left, thus drawing the tongue in. So Lifesavers gummies come along and give us a gentler, more pliable hole. Oh my.

Lifesavers Gummies Collisions, the candy I’m reviewing this week, seems to have taken the fusion idea that’s been making its rounds in the candy market, applying it to their own specific sub-type of candy. I highly doubt that a spinoff candy like Lifesavers Gummies having their own spinoff reflects well on the candy industry’s capacity for novelty, but like all things, more varieties of candy mean more types of shitty candy, with a few grand ones to come out on top. And so capitalism marches on.

Unfortunately, Lifesavers Gummies Collisions will not be the one to grow a forebrain and hop around the monolith. It’s not that surprising though, considering its pedigree. Lifesavers Gummies have never had much of a taste. Sure, they have the texture down pat for a gummy candy, soft but gelatinous, and yet the taste has always been the most ephemeral aspect of this particular candy. Collisions takes after its progenitor perfectly in this aspect, but while the original Gummies had one candy per taste, Collisions instead tries to push two flavors into a single ring. Sadly, two half-tastes does not equal a taste, so the connoisseur is left with a confusing smudge of light flavoring that only hints at the tastes mentioned on the back of the packaging, while never satisfying or even driving one to eat more. Normally, here I would normally suggest leaving such a candy in a bowl, to be eaten throughout the day as sugar needs necessitate, but since these are gummies, and thus will melt if looked at cross-ways, this isn’t a worthwhile or suggested option.

Another nit-pick is that there’s only three flavors within this particular pack. Well, since they’re flavor blends, one could argue that there’s actually six flavors, but as my previous paragraph shows, no, this is not a valid argument, and shame on you for such chicanery. The Cherry Watermelon is probably the strongest flavor of the bunch, and even that just tastes like licking the bottom of a Cherry Limeade cup lid. In short, if you love gummi candy, choose something other than Lifesavers Gummies Collisions.


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